


What an Impatient Douche.

by PossiblyHuman



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-23
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-02-14 10:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2187708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PossiblyHuman/pseuds/PossiblyHuman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave just wanted his pair of jeans. He didn't want the weird troll behind him to somehow see his Pestertag and know everything about him. But of course, that didn't work out for him, and suddenly, he's pulled "back" into a group of trolls that he doesn't remember. Get this shouty fuck and lispy hacker out of his face now please.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Get me the Hell out of here

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written Fanfiction in a while so let me know if you think i need to change things? Otherwise enjoy. This will probably turn into a pairing later, hence the tag.

Dave tapped his foot impatiently, utterly bored and almost fed up with the length of the line to the changing room. How long did it take a person to slip on a t-shirt and make sure it wasn't too tight or too short? Obviously longer than he thought, they must be morons.

All he wanted to do was try on his stupid jeans to make sure that they would decently fit, but looking at his spot behind the mannequins, at the end of the line, that was going to take a while. As his mood fouled, his foot had begun to tap, no doubt pissing off the middle-aged balding man in front of him. As he fumed, he saw a tall young troll with almost a comical amount of clothes in his arms cut in line a few people in front of him, right in front of a single mother with two out of control, whining kids. No way, what a fucking douche. That wasn't happening, not with model-but-very-pissed-off citizen Dave Strider around.

“Oh hell no, yo buddy, get your ass to the back of the line like everyone else!” He yelled at the guy, who turned around and glared at him. Dave raised an eyebrow at him, noting the 3D glasses and candy corn horns, a couple more than trolls usually have and jerked his thumb back behind him. The troll groaned and shifted the items in his arms, stomping over behind Dave.

“That’s what I thought, asshole.” Dave muttered. The troll behind him snorted.

“Wouldn't want to rob you of those gloriouth few more secondth.” The troll said, his voice dripping with scorn. He had a lisp, but the s’s only occasionally got completely away from him, usually resulting in a slight whistle instead, so he obviously had seen a speech pathologist or someone to help correct his speech impediment.

“Cute lisp. And I’ve been waiting for 20 minutes dude.” The troll hissed at the lisp comment, but didn't respond to the other comment. Dave noticed he had glasses in two colors, like the older ones from the movie theaters, back before they turned into lame tinted hipster shades. One lens blue, the other red. He pointed to them, grinning,

“Couldn’t you already see in 3D without those ridiculous things?”

The troll rolled his eyes at him, “I’m a Psionic you abtholute moron.”

His phone buzzed. Dave pulled it out opening up Pesterchum to talk to whoever was trying to get a hold of him. The only one online was Rose, so he killed a little time bantering with her. He laughed as he shuffled slowly in the line, almost completely forgetting about being in it.

“TurntechGodhead?”The troll said after a while incredulously.

“Dude, don’t look over people’s shoulders that’s super creepy.” The troll’s face was scrunched up, like he was disgusted or trying to remember something. Dave couldn’t tell which. “And turntechGodhead is a totally cool name, I bet you couldn’t come up with something as badass.”

The troll basically ignored him, pulling out his phone himself and typing something quickly. Dave shrugged and went back to his conversation with Rose, being sure to rant a little about the weird tall troll behind him.

After a while, he was tapped on his shoulder. He glanced back at the troll behind him.

“It’s your turn, TG , thinthe you’re too busy to notith.” The troll commented, pushing up his glasses and shifting the clothes in his arms irritatingly.

“My name’s not TG, you could ask before just randomly assigning some weird ass nickname based on an screen name.” Dave replied, ducking into the empty changing stall and pulling the curtain shut. He tried on the jeans, noticing they fit perfectly. “What a waste of a good half an hour.” He muttered, pulling them off and putting the ones he came in with back on, and stepping out of the stall. He walked over to the checkout, and noticing the same troll in one of the lines, he stood in the other line, not wanting to deal with him again. Unfortunately, the checkout line he was in was run by a _really_ fucking slow old lady. She must have been eighty-seven and looked like she would be quicker to die then finish checking the people out. He edged forward as she finally finished another person. As she started the tedious process of checking out a lady and what looked like her kid’s brand new clothes, another employee walked up to him and asked if he would please move over to the other line, the lady’s shift was almost over.

 Grumbling, he walked over to the other line, behind the lispy troll, hoping the other’d finish checking out without noticing him.

“Hey, TG?” The troll started

“Jesus fuck dude, just leave me alone so I can go home,” Dave groaned.

“Just a sec.” The bespectacled troll replied insistently, shifting the clothes in his arms again. Dave wondered again why the hell he needed so many, and a lot of them didn't even look the troll’s size, he was pretty sure a few were from the kid’s section. The troll opened his mouth to speak again, but Dave interrupted him, gesturing to the clothes.

“Why so many clothes? Are you shopping for 12 people or something ridiculous?”

The troll snickered. “Pothibly. But seriously, have you ever known a troll about,” He motioned with one of his hands to a very short height, about childlike, “this high? Anger issues. Would've probably annoyed the abtholute shit out of you?”

Dave considered the other for a moment, the troll looked steadily back at him and he guessed that the only way to get the guy to leave him alone would be to answer quickly and hope he got called up into line. “Nope. Seems like a pretty fucking memorable guy.”

“You have no idea.” The troll withdrew his hand quickly, muttering to himself, “Well if none of uth remembered…”

“What?” Dave asked him irritably. The troll shrugged and turned around, placing his stuff on the checkout belt. This was going to take a while. He pulled out his phone, and after seeing no one was online Pesterchum, Rose having left for one of her one up man ships with her mother, played a couple of apps. The troll finally finished checking out, after insisting all the clothes be stuffed into one over sized bag. He waved over to Dave,

“See you later, Dave,” He said before walking out.

“Yea yeah, later Mr. Fucking-annoying-3D-glasses.” Dave muttered, placing his jeans on the belt and checking out himself.

It wasn’t until he was out of the store that he realized he had never told the troll his name, nor did he ask for his.

"...Shit."

 


	2. Pesterlogs and Trolling Trolls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heres the next chapter, glad some of you guys liked it, enjoy!

A few days passed, and Dave’s doubt of whether he had actually told the tall troll prick his name or not increased. Maybe even he had read his name on the conversation with Rose? He was being pretty fucking obvious about seeing his Pestertag. The encounter started to fade from his memory as he got literally dragged kicking the shit out of a certain guardian, into his college application process, Bro had been really adamant all of the sudden about Dave getting into college. It was a little late, considering that he was halfway through his senior year and really hadn’t bothered thinking about a higher level education, thinking that he’d just become a DJ or something. That was before Bro found some of his photography photos and dead birds in jars, and he had been trying to make him become a biology, or at least a photography major.

“You can’t rely on me forever, Dave. And if you get a major in something you’re good at, you can earn a hell of a lot more money than a DJ can, “ Bro had said, dumping college pamphlets into his arms. “And plus, you don’t want to miss out on all of the insane college parties, do you?”

So he was forced to fill out at least three applications, taking up a lot of his time because he had to think about what to even write about in his essays. He was flopped on top of his mess of a bed, dwelling on a particular question, asking “What do you have to offer at our University?” when he heard his computer ping a few times in succession. Eager for a chance to distract himself from the hell of figuring out what the colleges really want to hear, he sprung off the bed and sat down at his computer, seeing messages from two different people, one name he had never seen before and one from Rose. He decided to look at Rose’s message first, and if it was something too hard to deal with he’d just go talk to the random stranger. He gets them ever once and a while, obviously people just trying to make friends or becoming more familiar with the chat client.

\--  tentacleTherapist **[TT]** began pestering turntechGodhead **[TG]** \--

**TT: Dave. There are a lot of trolls suddenly at my house. There are three of them, and they all seem to be arguing about something before deciding to ring my doorbell.**

**TT:  I heard one of them say your name and my name, are they friends of yours?**

Dave frowned. They said his name?

**TG: i dont remember becoming friends with any trolls**

**TG: are you sure one of them isnt just conviently named dave**

**TG: i mean it is a super awesome name so theyd obviously have to be a super cool dude to have a name like mine**

**TT: Dave. They’re all girls. Actually, even if they weren’t, didn’t you ever pay attention in Culture lessons? Their names always have six letters.**

**TT: Anyway, I suppose I should go ask them what they want.**

\-- tentacleTherapist **[TT]** is now an idle chum--

**TG: uh ok then**

**TG: watch out for those horns**

**TG: ive heard theyre hella sharp**

Dave waited for a few minutes, and it didn’t seem like Rose was coming back, so he switched over to the new message he received from an unknown name.

\--carcinoGeneticist **[CG]** started trolling  turntechGodhead **[TG]** \--

**CG: HEY ASSHOLE.**

**CG: OH WOW, NOT EVEN GOING TO GRACE ME WITH YOUR PRESENCE?**

**TG: whoa thats a horrible greeting you should have started with**

**TG: hey there or like**

**TG: whats up**

**TG: talking like that just makes you seem like more of an asshole than youre claiming i am**

**CG: OH FOR GOG’S SAKE SHUT UP.**

**CG: I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS FUCKING SHIT TODAY.**

**TG: chill mr capslock you may burst a vein and die at that rate**

**TG: then id be sitting here forever wondering**

**TG: what did the weird troll want from me**

**TG: i could never go on**

**TG: itd haunt me for all of my ironically awesome existance**

**CG: …**

**CG: HOW DID YOU KNOW I WAS A TROLL?**

Dave was taken aback. How did he know that it was a troll? Maybe they type in all caps or something? Maybe he remembered a little from culture class.  As he thought about it, the troll kept typing.

**CG: I THOUGHT YOU DIDN’T REMEMBER WHO I WAS.**

**CG: JEGUS STRIDER, THANKS FOR MAKING ME FEEL LIKE A COMPLETE IDIOT WHEN SOLLUX TOLD ME YOU HAD NO IDEA WHO I WAS.**

**CG: THAT’S NOT EVEN THAT FUNNY OF A PRANK, YOU ABSOLUTE HOOFBEAST SHIT.**

**TG: whoa whoa**

**TG: hold your horses and put them in the fucking stable for a god damn second**

**TG: how do you know my last name**

**TG: and who the fuck is sulluz cause i most definitely dont know any trolls**

**TG: is that even like a real name**

**CG: SOLLUX YOU IDIOT. AND YES.**

**TG: right whatever**

**TG: still what the hell i dont even know who either of you are**

**TG: who the fuck are you**

**TA: wow ii feel iin2ulted you diidn’t even remember me**

**TG: what the fuck**

**TG: how are you even in this conversation this is a private message**

**TA: ii have kk’2 computer 2et up 2o that whenever he talk2 about me iit alert2 me and 2end2 me to the conver2atiion**

**CG: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DISABLED THAT.**

**TA:  ii diid? whoop2. not happeniing**

**CG: WHAT THE FUCK SOLLUX.**

**TG: yeah ok have your little lovers spat somewhere else**

**TG: answer my questions first though**

**TA: ii diid an2wer your que2tiion**

**TG: ok then heres another one why the hell do you type like that**

**TG:  thats hard as shit to read**

**TA: iit2 my quiirk**

**TG: oh**

**TG: well that answers everything now doesnt it**

**TG: i think that wraps up how much i need to be here**

\--turntechGodhead **[TG]** ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist **[CG]** \--

Dave stared at the screen, “…what?” Right after he had clicked out of the conversation, it had popped back up, saying he had started pestering the gray text troll, or  “kk”, again.

\--turntechGodhead **[TG]** started pestering carcinoGeneticist **[CG]** —

**TA: oh no look2 liike that2 not goiing two work**

**TA: niice try though**

**TG: how the fuck did you do that**

**CG: NEVERMIND THAT. JUST LISTEN. I SUPPOSE IT WAS TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT TWO OF YOU STUPID HUMANS REMEMBERED THE FUCKING GAME.**

**TG: what game**

**CG: I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THE FUCKING HERO OF TIME WOULD REMEMBER. YOU WERE ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT.**

**TG: sounds about right**

**CG: WOULD YOU SHUT UP FOR TWO SECONDS.**

**TG: right ok**

**TG: go back to your game rambling**

**TG: or actually id say dont**

**TG: are you a stalker or something**

**TG: im totally flattered and all but**

**CG: I’M NOT A FUCKING STALKER.**

**TG: oh then youre probably crazy**

**TG: thats cool**

**TG: not about to judge your mental illness**

**TG: i mean you’ve obviously already got anger issues**

**CG: SOLLUX WOULD YOU JUST FUCKING MUTE HIM.**

**TA:** **no way he ha2 a valiid poiint wiith the anger thiing**

**TA: al2o, for the record tg**

**TA: ii _was_ buying clothe2 for twelve people. **

Dave gaped, it must be that fucking troll from the store the other day. He must’ve told his friend…Car Mat or something like that. He remembered it sounded less like a name and more like a line from a Dr. Suess book.

**TG: holy shit**

**CG: WILLING TO LISTEN NOW?**

**TG: depends**

**TG: are you really that fucking short?**

**CG: I GIVE UP. I’LL TRY AGAIN LATER.**

\-- carcinoGeneticist **[CG]** ceased trolling turntechGodhead **[TG]** –

**TA: you 2hould probably update the 2afety on your computer.**

**TA: iit wa2 way two ea2y to 2urpa22. you miight get hacked or 2omethiing**

**TA: oh riight**

**TA: two late**

“Fuck.” Dave exited out of the window, noticing he had two new chums on his list. He grimaced, seeing that it was carcinoGeneticist and twinArmageddons, which he guessed was TA. He blocked both of them, not surprised when they “mysteriously” were unblocked again.

“I fucking hate trolls.”


	3. Missing Friends and Apartment Invasions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i didnt expect so many people to like this, thanks for reading it

Dave checked his list of chums, noticing that Rose was still away and John was still gone. He was starting to get worried about John. He had disappeared mid-conversation about shitty movies one day and he hadn’t come back since.

\--gardenGnostic **[GG]** began pestering turntechGodhead **[TG]** \--

**GG: dave!?**

**GG: dave!!**

**TG: what**

**GG: oh thank goodness I was getting worried! :(**

**GG: have you heard from rose??**

**TG: uh i just talked to her maybe**

Dave checked the clock, glancing over at his college paperwork, which had been lying there for quite some time undone. Bro was going to kill him if he came home and saw it wasn’t done.

**TG: like a half an hour ago**

**TG: she went to go talk to some trolls or shit**

**GG: oh man…what about john?**

**TG: nah**

**TG: he hasnt been on in days**

**GG: oh no! :(**

**TG: what**

**TG: dont worry about him I bet hes just busy or something**

**GG: well maybe…**

**GG: but im more worried about the fact that he was talking to trolls just before he disappeared!**

**GG: and he left just after that and didn’t come back!**

**GG: what if that happened to rose too!**

**TG: weird**

**TG: hes usually around all day**

**TG: and whoa calm down im sure rose is ok**

**GG: i know :(**

**TG: are you ok**

**TG: you seem a bit**

**TG: freaked the fuck out**

**GG: gee thanks dave!**

**GG: …**

**GG: though to be perfectly honest…i am a little freaked out!**

**TG: why**

**GG: there are trolls on my island**

**GG: there are never people on my island!!**

**TG: whoa that is kind of weird**

**TG: are they stranded or something**

**GG: no I don’t think so…**

**GG: they seem to know right where they’re going!**

**TG: where are they going?**

**GG: to my house :(**

**GG: i was outside and I wouldn’t have noticed if Bec hadn’t run right up to them!**

**TG: damn thats kind of scary**

Dave heard the door to the apartment open and close.

“Shit.” He minimized the chat window, noticing that Jade was still talking, and sprang over to his bed, pulling up the paperwork on his legs and staring at the question. “Just hold on a second Jade…” He muttered.

“What’d you say Dave?” Bro asks, leaning from his doorway. “That doesn’t sound like college shit kiddo.”

“I was talking to myself,” Dave lied, grinning. “I said ‘just hold on a  second Dave’. The answer I was giving would’ve been bull and the college would’ve asked themselves, ‘what is this shit?’ and I would’ve  had to pull some fucking brilliant scores out of my ass to cover that loss…”

“Ok ok whatever.” Bro interrupts, breaking Dave off before he went on one of his rambling rampages that he was so famous for. “Pizza fine for dinner?”

“Yeah, cool.” Dave answered, pretending to go back to concentrating on his paperwork. Bro walked over and glanced at the paper he was looking at, then at his computer.

“Alright.” Bro said, pointedly looking at him, “Keep up those applications. If they aren’t done by dinner…” He left the end of the sentence hanging, flash stepping out of the room.

“Yeah yeah, either a strife or smuppets. Most likely both.” Dave muttered, setting aside the papers and rushing back to the computer, he read the log, hoping Jade was still there.

**GG: i know!!**

**GG:  what do I do dave?!? i’m a bit worried about all this**

**GG: …dave?**

**GG: are you there?**

**GG: dave they’re coming this way!!**

\-- gardenGnostic **[GG]** ceased pestering turntechGodhead **[TG]** –

**TG: shit jade**

**TG: no fuck bro made me leave for a few minutes**

**TG: …fuck**

Dave’s shoulders slumped, and he exited out of the client, he was worried about his friends. First John and Rose , now possibly Jade. What the hell was with these trolls? What the absolute living hell did they want from his friends? As he mulled this over, his Pesterchum window started flashing, and he opened up the window quickly.

\--twinArmageddons **[TA]** started pestering turntechGodhead **[TG]** –

**TA: ju2t a head2 up.**

**TA: ii’m goiing two be at your wiindow in two miinute2.**

**TA: ii’d 2eriiou2ly sugge2t you come wiith me**

**TG: why the hell would I do that**

**TA: curiio2iity, maybe the fact that your friiend2 are wiith u2, maybe iit’ll hurt le22, ii don’t really care**

**TA: but ii’ll drag you out the window iif ii have two**

**TG: first of all**

**TG: why do you have my friends**

**TG: secondly what the actual fuck**

**TG: dude im on the top floor**

**TA: ii know**

**TG: oh good**

**TG: whats to stop me from I dont know**

**TG: getting my fucking samurai bro in here and making you leave**

**TG: in fact im gonna do that**

**TA: good luck wiith that**

**TG: thats slightly unnerving but whatever**

\--turntechGodhead **[TG]** has blocked twinArmaggeddons **[TA]** —

\-- turntechGodhead **[TG]** has unblocked twinArmaggeddons **[TA]** —

**TA: 2eriiou2ly?**

Dave groaned and stood up from the computer dashing into the apartment. “Bro? Bro this is important!”

He wasn’t in the apartment. “Shit.”

He ran back to his room and closed the window, locking it. He glanced over at the computer, the troll was still talking to him.

\--turntechGodhead **[TG]** has blocked twinArmaggeddons **[TA]** —

\-- turntechGodhead **[TG]** has unblocked twinArmaggeddons **[TA]** —

**TA: now you’re ju2t wa2tiing both of our tiime2**

**TA: noticed he iisn’t here yet?**

**TG: what did you do to him**

**TG: i swear to god**

**TA: you fuckiing iidiiot he went two get the piizza. Jegus**

**TA: ii’m not an moron there2 no way ii’d attempt thii2 wiith him here**

**TG: so you just let me run around the house like an idiot to waste time**

**TA: eh**

**TA: you locked your wiindow?**

**TG: …**

\--turntechGodhead **[TG]** has blocked twinArmaggeddons **[TA]** —

\-- turntechGodhead **[TG]** has unblocked twinArmaggeddons **[TA]** —

Dave turned slowly around, looking at his window. He saw a lot of blue and red electricity sparking around it inside and out, the crackling intensifying as the window lock opened. That could not be safe, it looked like an exposed wire sparking times a lot fucking more than an itsy bitsy wire. He didn’t have time to think about his relative size speech, but the bottom line is, it was more like a really fucking big wire.

“Motherfuck.”

He sprinted out of the room, pushing his door shut and pulling open the apartment door, nearly running into a small troll. By small, the psionic troll had been exaggerating a little, he wasn’t exactly child size, he was more along the lines of average teenage girl size. He looked down at the angry looking troll and slammed the door shut in his face, locking and bolting the door.

“DAVE OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR, “ the little troll yelled, “WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.”

“Now I know why you type in caps, jesus.” Dave answered, pulling out his katana from his strife deck. “And I don’t care if you’re on a schedule, I’m not leaving this fucking apartment.” Expecting the Sollux to show up at any moment, he turned around, facing the inside of the apartment again.

He heard someone clear their throat right next to him and felt his feet get pulled from beneath him, making him fall forwards. Fucking psionics. He hit the ground, hard, hearing electricity all around, and stayed pinned there. It’s a miracle his shades weren’t broken by the surprise rendezvous with the carpet.

“That was too fucking easy.” He heard the lispy troll say.

“YEAH BUT WE STILL WASTED TIME, HAUL ASS SOLLUX LET’S GO.” The other troll shouted from the other side of the door.

“Ok ok, chill kk.” The door clicked twice and swung open, revealing the smaller troll looking still as likely to keel over from high blood pressure as before. “Are we going to pick him up?”

“OH HELL NO, WHY DO YOU THINK I BROUGHT YOU?”

“You could just, y’know leave me the fuck here and go away.” Dave suggested as sarcastically as his could from facedown on the floor.

“Whatever.” Dave was lifted up by the crackling energy, and Sollux took the katana from him, the energy still surrounded Dave and kept him floating. He grabbed onto Dave’s shirt and walked out of the room, shooting words behind him to the other troll. “C’mon kk ‘haul ass’.”

“FUCK YOU SOLLUX.”


	4. Plans and Meteors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops so I guess I didn't realize how much time slipped away from me on this one, here's the next chapter

 

Looking back on this, Dave would say these events were some of the strangest and scariest things to happen to him. Oh hell, what was he kidding, this was probably the fucking _weirdest_ , he just got goddamn _kidnapped_ by a delusional shouty troll and his psychic hacker friend. If this were a movie, he’d complain about how completely undramatic it was. They didn’t have a long struggle, and they were completely lacking in the stereotypical white van with no windows. That sort of thing is essential to the image of a kidnapping. The getaway vehicle was just a completely normal, used car. He’d even have to admit, forgoing the trunk, putting him in the backseat and just psionically keeping his seatbelt shut was probably the lamest part about this kidnapping. Altogether, he’d give it a solid 4/10 to keep it real (and for the sole fact that they _did_ knock him down before he had a chance to pull some sick moves over their heads).

Currently, The Car Mat, which was oddly fitting suddenly given their setting, was driving them down the road at a faster than average speed and Sollux was in the seat next to him messing around with what looked suspiciously like Dave’s cell phone. The silence was basically deafening, and the two hadn’t said a word to him since they shoved him in the car. He had to get out of this car or it was going to kill him. A few more minutes passed, with nothing but the swerves of the car and the click-clack of Sollux typing on Dave’s cell phone.

“Are you two going to tell me why you kidnapped me?”

The lanky troll looked over at him, before grinning and going back to the phone. “Nope.”

“I’LL TELL YOU LATER.” The Car Mat shouted, jerking the wheel to go in between two cars in what Dave was 100% sure was an illegal maneuver. “JUST SHUT UP AND WAIT, WE’LL BE THERE SOON.”

Soon? Though he was curious, he wasn’t keen on finding out what these particular kidnappers wanted him for. That’s it. He snatched his phone from the colorfully spectacled troll and cleared his throat. Clichéd escape plan here we go.

“I gotta piss.”

“STRIDER THAT IS THE FUCKING OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK.” The Car Mat replied without missing a beat.

“Fine, I’ll just pee in the car then,” Dave replied. “I don’t give a shit.”

Sollux broke in suddenly, “Kk didn’t you jutht pay off the car?”

“Oh perfect, nothing like a little pee to break it in.”

“DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE. FINE. SOLLUX YOU WATCH HIM.” The driver yelled. Seriously, Dave wondered how the guy hadn’t ruined his vocal chords yet.

“Fine.” The taller troll replied, not looking very happy about it.

“I appreciate the attention, I really do, but watching someone while they’re taking a piss is fucking creepy.”

“Thut the fuck up.”

“There’s the lisp we all knew and loved from the kindergarten. Glad to see you haven’t changed since then. Tell me, d’you still have those crayons you borrowed from me?” Dave mocked as the shorter troll turned off the road faster than his entire driving average the whole ride and slammed on the breaks, earning a few honks from behind him and Dave’s head crashing into the seat. Sollux snorted.

“I am tho glad I have no memory of you. This jutht makes every moment convinth me more that you aren’t the cool kid everyone cuts you out to be.” He said, stepping out of the car and slamming the door behind him. “Hurry the fuck up, we have only have a little time before it start-th.”

“Before what starts?”

“YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE US. NOW GET OUT.” The troll in the drivers seat yelled, pointing viciously out of the car.

Dave took a glance around his surroundings as he stepped out of the car. A forest. Fucking perfect. He walked down towards it swiftly, hearing the tall troll follow him, grumbling. He picked up his pace, ducking behind a couple of trees, one of which had nice low hanging branches and bushing obscuring the bottom. He pulled out his phone: No signal. He glanced back at the troll who was standing, glaring at him.

“Do you think you could turn the fuck around?” Dave asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Fine. But I can hear you,” Sollux replied, turning around. “You get thirty secondth, starting…now.”

Dave knew he could get at least halfway up the tree in that time, he had climbed the water tower back at his apartment countless times before, so this would probably be about the same difficulty level. Maybe up there he’d have reception. He’d just have to be really quiet about it. He started scaling the tree, not surprised when his thirty seconds were up that the troll immediately pushed aside the bushes. When he didn’t see Dave, he groaned.

“I fucking knew it. WE DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THITH YOU IDIOT.” He shouted the last part. Dave continued climbing up the tree, switching to the other side so it would be harder to see him if the idiot of a troll happened to look up. Sollux was crashing through the bushes below him, trying to find the human and getting increasingly pissed off while doing so.

Apparently the tree he had chosen was one of the tallest in the forest, so Dave quickly broke above the tree line. A red flash distracted him and he heard a huge crash came from the same woods he was in, almost causing him to let go of the branches in surprise. He glanced in the direction of the noise, seeing a trail of smoke coming from a now leveled section of the woods.

“What?”

He squinted at it, maybe it was a plane? He saw another flash, then another, then another, across his vision, and he looked straight up at the sky. The sky was burning with hundreds of meteors, streaking across the sky. Some were large, others small, but they increased and accelerated at a greater and greater speed. They were silent at first, so it almost seemed unreal and just a vision, but then they came down, and he heard the distant hits of them on the earth. His eyes widened as he saw them going down, crashing towards more and more areas.

He looked down, still hearing the pissed off troll looking for him, and then back up at the meteors. Should he warn the guy about them? If he did, then no doubt he would recapture him, but if he didn’t, they could all die. His phone started buzzing and he contemplated picking it up, but he just gripped the tree tighter. Shit. He didn’t want to die yet. He was prepared for every way of death, he knew how to avoid and fight if necessary, but this is something he couldn’t help, something he couldn’t win at. He swallowed thickly, the more he watched, the more meteors streaked by, going to god knows how many populated places. The cars on the highway, still relatively close, were speeding away faster than they should, no doubt car accidents and panic had already kicked in.

 His phone kept buzzing and eventually he found himself pulling it out of his pocket and looking at the caller ID. John. He should tell his friend what’s going on. He should warn him about the meteors if he doesn’t already know. He pressed the green button and put the phone up to his ear.

“Yo…” He choked out.

“Dave where are you?”

“Uh, I’m in a tree, listen, have you-”

“Dave, please go back to the car.” His friend interrupted, anxiety clear in his voice.

“John, I can’t-wait what?” He snapped out of his stupor, “How’d you know about that?”

“Dave, listen to me, go back to Karkat and Sollux, please, I’ll explain later,” John pleaded.

“John what the hell??” Dave almost yelled. “What’s going on? The sky is fucking falling and you apparently had a hand in my kidnapping? I’m freaking the hell out man-” He heard a click from the other side. He fucking hung up on him. He angrily shoved the phone back into his pocket. His hands were shaking violently, to anyone he’d say from anger, but he knew it was actually fear.

Another loud crash sounded, closer this time, and he jumped, gripping the tree again.  

“STRIDER GET OUT OF THE FUCKING TREE. WE DON’T HAVE TIME TO SEARCH ALL THESE, UNLESS YOU WANT TO DIE A HORRIBLE FIERY DEATH, I’D SUGGEST GETTING YOUR HUMAN ASS DOWN HERE.” He heard Car Mat, no he guessed it was Car Cat according to John, shout from below. Sollux said something that he couldn’t quite hear from below, their voices moving away quickly.

Yet another meteor crashed, this time so close, it shook the tree and left his ears ringing. He heard Car Cat yell and a huge crack. The tree started tipping and he was pitched forward.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit it totally has been more than 8 months. Sorry about the cliffhanger for that amount of time. I'll try to finish this story off the best I can, chapters will probably be getting longer after this one.

He clung to the tree, knowing that no one would blame him for the slightly-less manly than usual scream. He was going to die, he was going to die in a fucking falling tree while meteors hit the earth all around him. He regretted even making small talk conversation with Sollux, and if he came back as a ghost, you bet your ass Dave was going to haunt that stupid lanky fuck until he kicked the bucket himself. His brief moments of terror and loathing for his situation brought him closer to the ground, not even a few seconds had passed, and the ground was rising quickly up to meet him.

He squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for the crunch-splat that would be his body hitting the hard ground. 

It never came. He cautioned an eye open and grass was just in front of him. He briefly wondered what the hell stopped him, but after a little of the initial adrenaline had worn off, Dave was able to hear the crackling of Sollux's psionics. 

Well, looks like he owed someone an apology. As more of the shock faded from his system, he untangled himself from his death grip around the tree that was being held slightly above the ground. As he stood in front of it, brushing off his shirt, and avoiding eye contact with Sollux, the tree lowered all the way to the ground behind him with a thump. He flinched, eyes darting to the crackling multi-colored ones a few feet in front of him. 

Oh boy, that certainly was a death glare. The lightning would have been beautiful if it wasn’t absolutely terrifying. There was an expectant silence, and Dave realized he should probably thank the troll for not letting him become a Strider pancake.

"Thanks." He muttered, pretending there was something filthy on his sleeve that needed to be fixed. It worked, for about two seconds, then the Car Cat was yanking the collar of his shirt down to face level, shouting at him, enunciating several words with a painful jab in the chest from one of his clawed fingers.

"STRIDER YOU ARE A FUCKING IDIOT. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU MAY HAVE JUST COST US? NO I BET YOU DON'T. IT'S OUR LIVES YOU DUMB-FUCK. THE WORLD IS GOING TO SHIT AND HERE YOU ARE TRYING A FUCKING HEROIC ESCAPE FROM TWO TROLLS WHO WERE CONSCIOUSLY TRYING TO SAVE YOU FROM-" He gestured wildly into the flaming air. "-THIS." 

Sollux cleared his throat, obviously trying to get Car Cat's attention. Or was it Karkat? Dave heard Sollux call him KK, but it could very well have been a middle name or pointless nickname, he wasnt sure. The small troll ignored Sollux, taking a deep breath for round two. 

Dave's nose wrinkled, he didn't want this guy breathing all over his space and spitting on the glass of his shades any more. 

"Ok, ok. Jesus Christ how was I supposed to act? I don't know either of you, and you've been nothing but grade A douche bags and explained jack shit since I've met you." 

He shoved the troll away from him, who almost fell in shock, and he took a few steps back. Dave's shirt made a tearing noise and he looked down at it in dismay. Trolls really needed to learn how to cut their fingernails, stat.

Karkat opened his mouth and stepped back towards him, the look on his face absolutely radiating rage, but Sollux cut in in an almost bored tone.

"Not that thith isn't entertaining, but the meteorth are thtill falling and we may die." 

"RIGHT." Karkat gave Dave another glare. "SOLLUX, KNOCK HIM OUT."

"What the shit? No." Dave put his hands up in a surrendering motion. Sollux didn’t move an inch, looking annoyed at this entire charade. "I'll come with you. Just don't end up being Jeffrey Dahmer or Hannibal or some shit."

"I HAVE NO IDEA WHO THOSE PEOPLE ARE." Karkat all but screamed in response, already moving away.

“Oh c’mon? They eat people.” When the look of disgust slid across Karkat’s face, Dave gave up. "You, sir, are uncultured as fuck."

The look on the troll’s face was almost worth it. Almost, because he had to dodge an angry clawed swipe. 

"Fine, chill, I’ll shut up."

That promise lasted all the way back to the car, which had been destroyed by one of the many meteors.

“Holy shit. Tough luck, shorty.” Dave said, whistling. “So glad I didn’t piss in it before, it would have completely ruined it.”

Karkat looked like he was about to jump Dave and strangle the life out of him, but he surprisingly took a deep breath. “YOU KNOW, YOU USED TO BE SO MUCH LESS OF A COMPLETE JACKASS. OR MAYBE I’M JUST NOT USED TO YOU YET.”

“Oh right, I forgot you ‘knew’ me from something before.” Dave replied sarcastically. “So what now? Any of you got a car somewhere up your ass?”

Dave looked expectantly back towards Sollux, who had remained silent the whole time. Or really, he looked back at the lack of Sollux. 

“Where’d lispy go?”

“PROBABLY TO SOLVE THE HUMAN-GOD DAMN PROBLEM.”

“Cool.” Dave was not waiting for that. No sir-ee. The meteors were falling faster and faster, and while it was a miracle none of them had been hit yet, he wasn’t going to stand in one place too long and test his luck. He started walking off in the direction the trolls were taking him before, blocking out the incessant yelling of Karkat. Jesus, that guy had no chill at all. He heard him reluctantly follow Dave, realizing probably the same thing that he had figured out moments before.

“So.” Dave asked about ten minutes later of weird silence, after they had walked about a mile or so. “How far are we? You said soon.”

“BY CAR, SOON. BY FOOT? ANOTHER HUMAN HOUR.”

Another five minutes lapsed, the silence, you know besides the crashes of meteors falling and occasional screams, becoming increasingly awkward.  
“Is that Sollux guy even coming back for us?”

“PROBABLY NOT. HE PROBABLY FLEW AHEAD, REALIZED IT WASN’T THAT FUCKING FAR, AND LEFT US TO EITHER WALK OR DIE.”

“What a douche.”

 

Silence. A person ran by them, Dave moved to stop the guy and bring him with them, but Karkat kept him moving, shaking his head.

“So…you gonna explain any of this at all, since we’re almost there and have nothing to talk about for another half of an hour. Why’d you stop me from helping that guy?”

“HE’S NOT IMPORTANT.”

“Well, fuck. That answers everything.” Dave replied snarkily. A thought occurred to him. “What, is my Bro unimportant too?”

“HE HELPED A LITTLE LAST TIME, MOSTLY WHEN YOU MADE STUPID MISTAKES. BUT WE’RE HOPING THAT SINCE WE’RE FUSING SESSIONS, WE CAN STOP YOU FROM BEING THE COMPLETE MOPING MORON YOU WERE LAST TIME.”

“So you’re acknowledging that you purposefully left my Bro to die?” 

“YES. BASICALLY.”

Dave didn’t know how to feel about that. Of course he was a little upset, I mean his Bro was his bro. There were times he hated him, and yeah, times that he was scared of him; but his brother was his family, the only family he had. He was weird and an asshole, but he had his moments, and he made up for it, kind of. He was his brother, and he loved him. Ironically of course. He inhaled sharply, glaring at Karkat.

“What if I were to try to go back for him?”

“STRIDER, HE’S PROBABLY ALREADY DEAD. NOT THAT IT MATTERS.”

Dave stopped walking. “It doesn’t matter? What the hell dude? How would you feel?”

“MY DAD HAS BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS. BUT ITS FUCKING FINE, I’LL SEE HIM AGAIN, IN A WAY. AND YOU’LL SEE THE STUPID APE YOU CALL YOUR BRO AGAIN, IN A WAY.” Karkat huffed, turning and beating up bushes to get through them while Dave processed the sentence.

“What the fuck does tha-?”

“SHUT UP. WE’RE HERE.”


	6. Chapter 6

The building in front of them was large, but there really wasn’t much else to say about it. It was plain, made of stone, a dull overall color. Once again, Dave was disappointed by the lack of flair in these trolls’ style, but at this point, they were way past fitting any of the dynamics of any movie cliché he was familiar with. Which, again, was disappointing.

Oddly enough, it didn’t look like the building had been hit yet, and he was about to vocalize the question in his mind, when the door opened, and he was basically shoved inside.

It took his eyes a little longer than a few seconds to adjust to the sudden darkness, and then he realized he wasn’t alone, nor was it actually that dark. He was in some sort of control room, and Sollux was sitting at the controls. There were tons of screens, more than 10 at least, but what he caught on a few of them stopped him from counting.

“What the-?” The one he was looking at was an image of John. He knew it was him through the few face-to-face calls they had made through the years, and the occasional pictures. He was standing outside of his home. That wasn’t what was weird about the image, though. What was weird was that John was fighting these strange sort of small black beings, side by side with a grinning female troll. At a closer look, he saw another girl, seemingly throwing the things around without touching them. He wanted to watch more, but flurry from another one of the screens drew his attention to it.

This one had Rose, also with girl trolls, also fighting. Her house was huge. It was on this screen he noticed the colorful items the black things dropped, that Rose hopped around quickly to collect. He looked expectantly for a screen with Jade fighting too, and was surprised to not find her.

He had so many questions. So many, but barely any words to ask. This had to be some bizarre dream, right?

“Took you long enough.” Sollux snorted.

“What is all this?” Dave asked carefully, advancing to look at more of the battles’ details. He saw a flurry of motion in one screen at the bottom corner, and he saw Karkat, sitting on a carpet, inserting a disk into a computer, which immediately sent a troll from Rose’s area running off.

“It’th kind of complicated, and we don’t have much time before we all thart entering the theth-session.”

“Session?” Dave questioned.

“Yeah. A bunch of uth are already in, including your friend, Jade.”

“What about John?” Dave pressed.

“John jutht entered. You’re the last one, mostly due to the thupid “escape” plan you tried to pull.”

“Maybe if one of you _explained_ what was going on, I wouldn’t have climbed up a fuckin tree(like a badass).” The last part was muttered, but the corners of Sollux’s mouth twitched upwards.

“You just have to enter the game. Don’t worry, I’ll be there to hold your hand.” The last part was meant to be snarky, but Dave could hear Sollux’s voice flattening a bit at the end, like he actually meant to help him out.

Dave was nodding. Not because he understood a damn thing, but because he didn’t want the other guy to know he didn’t understand a damn thing.

“So, what do I have to do?”

Sollux pointed to his right. “Karkat entered your dithk. Go and take over what he’th doing.”

Dave peered down the hall. It was dark, and the ceiling looked like it was going to collapse at any given moment. Not to mention, the floor was kind of wet with some mystery liquid. He’d rather go on a romantic candlelit dinner date with Lil Cal than go anywhere near that hall. He looked back at Sollux, who was staring at him with a “well?” look on his face. Dave sighed and walked quickly down the hall, avoiding the bigger puddles of what he now saw as less liquid than sludge.

He hurried towards what sounded like muffled shouting, glad he didn’t have to guess and check on each of the sketchy doors he was passing. The one Karkat was behind was open. The short troll looked at him as he entered.

“ABOUT DAMN TIME.” He said. He stood up, shoving the laptop he was holding into Dave’s hands. “YOU DEAL WITH HIM. HE’S YOUR IDIOTIC SHOEFUCK OF A FRIEND.”

“Awww, but Karkat!” Came the voice from the computer. Dave looked down at the screen. He saw Jade, not John, whose voice that definitely was. “Hi Dave!”

“Yo.” Dave answered, sinking down into a criss-cross-applesau-juice position. He placed the computer on his lap. He saw the little blue skype icon flashing as Jade scurried around what had to be her house. Rose was doing god knows at her house, and John was in front of his house if he remembered correctly from the creeper screens Sollux had going on in the main room. “Hang on. Why does everyone else get to do whatever the fuck this is in their own house. That’s bullshit.”

John laughed. “Sorry, Dave! We need that building for later on!”

“For what?”

He heard silence for a moment. John was probably figuring out what to say. “That’s complicated, when we finish what we need to do now, I’ll tell you.”

“Well, why couldn’t you have entered using it?”

“Dave! You’re in Texas! How was I supposed to get there?”

“I dunno. These trolls seemed to get here easily enough. John, I don’t have any of my shit. Except my sword and phone. Maybe some random shit I captulogued. Now that I think about it, I probably have most of the shit I need or use.” Dave took a deep breath. “But whatever. What do I do?”

“Well, Karkat’s already basically done everything for Jade. We just have to get you all set up.”

As if on cue, he heard a large thump behind him. He turned and saw some pure white machine with way too many buttons. He turned to Karkat for explanation, but he was gone. Figures.

“Alright, John. You have to explain everything. Start with what the fuck I’m supposed to be doing. Then, I’ll do it, and you'll begin your super long, unnecessarily detailed, story. Beginning with when you disappeared.”


End file.
